Ok,
So Aaron's brother and his wife are in a really terrible argument. Me and Aaron started talking about the situation, and it turns out that I sided with Aaron's brothers wife, and Aaron sided with his brother.
I've talked to Aaron, and I've talked to Aaron's brothers wife. And this is what happened:
(Aaron's brothers name is Shawn, and his wife is Angie)
Ok, so here we go:
Shawn and Angie are driving home from somewhere (I have no clue where) and they start to bring up some small talk. There just laughing and having a good time, and for some reason this comes up in the conversation:
Angie: "What would you do if you were only as tall as I am?"
(Shawn is 6'6 and Angie is only 5'4.)
Shawn: "Thank God, I'm not as tall as you are. If I were as tall as you, with me weight, I would be HUGE!!"
Thats where the problem started..
See Angie IS that height, and she already weighs more then Shawn! Shawn said if he were that height, and HIS weight then he would be huge.
So basically.. Shawn called Angie Gigantic! She weighs 15lbs more then him at her height, and he's more then a foot taller.
Now there in a huge fight, and it's not just a little one. Angie is.. well.. Pissed.
Shawn says that he didn't mean it like that.. and Angie keeps saying "It doesn't matter if you meant it like that.. You said that at 5'4 and your weight you would be HUGE, I'm 5'4 at a higher weight! So your calling me ridiculously huge! "
In my opinion, if I were Angie, I would also be extremely mad. I mean.. He called her HUGE. Thats something a guy should never say to his wife/girlfriend if you ask me. Even if he "didn't mean it like that"
Do you think Angie should just let it go?? Do you think she has a right to be upset? How would you end the fight? I've suggested that she just act like it never happened.. But she said she tried, and she can't, because she is so hurt about it. Shes always been very sensitive, and it's not so easy
I would really appreciate your opinions on this!
Thanks everyone!
-Amanda T
Hi Amanda!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if this is helpful. I guess I would have to ask how long they've been together and her insecurity with her. My boyfriend Charlie and I have been together for 10 yrs this August. I've always been obsessed with my weight, even though I know in my head I'm tiny.. I just always and still am a bit insecure. He's always known that about me so I'm guessing he's never really mentioned weight. However, he has gained weight over the past few years and sometimes I tease him. He laughs and says I know, I know I need to take care of this. I guess teasing him is my way of trying to point it out because I'm worried I don't want him to get bad where he becomes sick. I have two parents that are overweight so of course that's why I worry about others. Now, if Charlie was teasing me, holy cow I"d be pissed and upset.. so I guess for us girls we definitely do take criticism to heart even though we want people to be honest. I know I ramble, I'm sorry. I would say if they've been together for a while (not necessarily 10 yrs, lol) and they love each other and he cares for her and he's a great guy. I think she should forgive him but maybe sit down with him and talk about it. Perhaps, she got extra upset because she is insecure about herself. Maybe he worries about her? Maybe theres something they can embrace together, and moving forward help each other out with the insecurities.
:)
xoxo
KAtie
Hi Katie,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the great comment! They've been together for about 8 years now. She's always been heavy, and I know shes very insecure (I know he know's it too). I thinking sitting down, and talking to him about it would be a great idea, and I'll suggest that to her!
I agree...for me it really WOULD matter how long you have invested in a relationship that might have some REALLY good points or moments of years of ups and downs and that is the way relationships go...of any kind. Long term relationship? It would take some serious talking and he'd have a TON of making up to do.
ReplyDeleteSo, if it was a short duration, for me I'd be saying gbye if it wasnt something I could get over easily.
Now...we all know women can be much touchier about weight than men...for the most part (and am not trying diminish this for men as I know it CAN be a big issue for them too) as women are expected to be thin by a crazy society. So that said, we CAN be very touchy. This guy obviously had a bad moment of sticking his foot in his mouth and didnt think this out. If Angie does have this weight issue and he really loves her AS SHE IS and does not have an issue WITH this, then he obviously would not intentionally blurt out something like this that---knowingly hurting the woman he loves. (Damn, Shawn...where was your Twix bar AND your common sense when you needed it!)
I think there are things men can be sensitive about ,....we wont get into "physical" comparisons here but they DO worry and overthink themselves too. I know one area,among others, is male baldness. If my husband is teased about this he jokes about it and gets a bit flustered. It can be a sore point. How would this guy feel if Angie said something such as I would NEVER want to date a bald guy...ICK! Or, if she compared her guy to some muscle bound hottie that might not measure up...in ALL areas? He might know how she felt. He has to know not only how he hurt her but to put the shoe on the other foot. (there might be better things as examples than mine). That way, he needs to see that this isnt just about HER insecurities , he needs to know how deeply HURT she is by him indirectly criticizing her size.
Communication is key to this, as with all relationship problems...and a EPIC apology is in order.
I agree with the above posts (in the time wise area) the best thing for him to do is just say "You know sometimes I dont think before I open my stupid mouth, I'm sorry"
ReplyDeleteAlot of this depends on how many times he has said he is sorry-is this something he brings up often, or does he love her just the way she is?
If he loves her the way she is, he likely was being stupid (and I say this in the most loving way) but men aren't known for being the most intelligent creatures at times.
And really (hopefully) by the time you read these posts they have kissed & made up - and she has flowers/jewelry etc and he has a smile on his face :)
I agree that she has every right to have been mad at his comment. She interpreted it as him subconsciously making a jab at her weight and whether he meant to or not that's what happened. He should have just apologized instead of telling her she had no right to be mad. You can't tell people what they have a right to feel.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do think that it's time to bury the hatchet. You can't hang on to every little your spouse says. That kind of behavior can really put some serious strain on a marriage. Maybe the underlying issue her is that Angie also feels uncomfortable with her weight and if that is the case, she just needs to make some lifestyle changes to get to her comfort level and maintain it.
I do hope that they resolve this issue before it gets worse.
OK here's the Deal He DIDNT CALL HER HUGE.
ReplyDeleteHe didnt Say...ANGIE YOU'RE HUGE
Also does she plan on divorcing him because of this? CUZ....if yes...then let the Lawyers fight out who is right...If not then it appears Angie can get over it eventually....so why not make eventually... Right Now!
Also....My son-in-law has no concept of Weight and Size....He told his Mom at her "age" she is probably a size 35 or 40....He is 24 and wears a size 30 waist...Shes a 9! Logically if her man were squished down 12 inches he would be wider...possibly HUGE in his Minds EYE! She was making it about her, when the question posed was ABOUT HIM! Ive lost about 6 inches in the last 6 months I told my husband I really noticed a difference because Our Bathtowels more then fit around me now...he replied...they should we have really big bath towels...I was mad!
ReplyDeleteI don't really think Shaun meant it like that. Angie is blowing this way out of proportion. (no pun intended!)
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound to me like Shawn deliberately meant to hurt her. I think he just wasn't thinking! Besides, to put it bluntly, women have boobs and butts. That makes us weigh more. It doesn't mean we're necessarily heavy. It just means we have some curves. If Shawn has a habit of making little digs to Angie about her weight, then I can understand why this might be the last straw. But if this is a rare or first occurrence, I think that Angie should give him a break.
ReplyDeleteBoth my husband and myself are heavy so it doesn't me I make digs at him as well when he does it to me.
ReplyDeleteluckylady4163@yahoo.com
Oops I meant to say it doesn't bother me.
ReplyDeleteluckylady4163@yahoo.com
I think men often say things without thinking and she had just asked him how HE would feel if HE would her height. So he automatically is thinking about his height, his weight, not hers. He likely did not even think of it in relation to her size at all. I think we have to maintain some sense of humor about things and have to have forgiveness in our hearts for our loved ones. He said he didn't mean it like that and he is sorry. Maybe he could get her some flowers (or whatever she really likes that they can afford) and sincerely apologize again and she should be willing to forgive it and forget it. If they have been together that long, they have a relationship going and she should know he is not a mean person. If he is a mean person and he always says mean things, then she might want to rethink their relationship - but not just for this - a thoughtless comment not even about her. My opinion anyway. :)
ReplyDeleteI think she should let it go. If her weight bothered him he wouldn't stick around! She should end the fight by admitting SHE was wrong for being upset over something so silly.
ReplyDeleteIf he can't feel comfortable responding with what comes to mind in smalltalk without worrying that she will get upset, well their conversations and marriage will get very boring.
If i was the wife I would have been upset too but I don't think he meant it as a hurtful comment towards her. I just finished reading a book about how men and women communicate different. Women always try to read between the lines and stuff but men just don't have the skill.
ReplyDeleteLike when a women says "fine" all other women know she is obviously not fine, and that the man should know whats really wrong. Whereas when a man says fine it literally means what it says in the dictionary - that it is satisfactory or okay.
He probably wasn't even thinking about her weight at all when he made the comment but if she is sensitive about her weight I can see how It would upset her
i think that if she isnt happy with how she looks she should work on it (maybe she tried already - i know its hard!). shawn should definitely apologize and tell her that he loves her just the way she is, and then she should forgive him. i think that if she can't forgive him after a sincere apology, then she really needs to deal with her own body-image issues because then it has nothing to do with shawn. hope they work it out!
ReplyDeleteIs this Aaron's sister in law that just had a baby? If so then she might not stay the same weight forever,she still can lose some of the pregnancy pounds and feel better about herself because....
ReplyDeleteeither way sometimes guys just don't think,things come out wrong all the time.They were born that way :) She needs to ask him if your size is bothering him..i bet the answer the answer is no..he loves all 5'4 of her! :)
good luck to them!!
Thanks for all of your great comments!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, Angie did just have a baby.
My husband and I have both packed on a lot of weight since we got married. He lost weight at first, but that was due to a health problem. Once he was treated, he started gaining.
ReplyDeleteHe's about 9" taller than me. I weigh more right now than he did when we got married. He brought that up this evening. I started it because, well long story short, I told him that even when he was skinny, he couldn't wear this one t-shirt of mine that we were talking about.
Yes, we both know that we're fat. We don't want to be fat, but we like to eat and we sit around a lot. We tease each other about it sometimes, but nothing is ever said in meanness.
I'm going to make an assumption here that Angie is overweight. Does she not accept that she's overweight? Is it Shawn's fault that she's heavy? Okay, I see that she just had a baby, and Shawn probably had something to do with that, but only if she didn't want to have a baby could she blame any related weight gain on Shawn.
She either needs to get over herself, take steps to lose the weight, or if she is more sensitive about it now than she would have been before pregnancy, she should see a therapist because it may be a sign of a more serious problem like post-partum depression.
The way you wrote it up, it doesn't sound like Shawn said what he said to hurt her feelings or to start something. It was an innocent slip up. If he did say it to start something, well, has his sense of humor changed in the past nine months or did she used to find him funny and now she doesn't? If it's the latter, then again, she needs to take a long hard look at why she's changed (physically, mentally, emotionally) and not take it out on him.
This kind of petty argument is why most marriages don't last. I've been married 18 and a half years.