Friday, March 25, 2011

The end of Rats and More? Depression. (please only read if you can handle talking about depression..)

Hey everyone..
I think the end of Rats and More is approaching soon. My new job at Subway is actually the hardest job I've ever had..I've had 2 8hr days and a 9 hr day.. I've only worked 3 days.. It's extremely hard.

I am very depressed. Right now I cannot handle the blog. I don't know how many of you suffer with depression.. but for the ones that do.. Do you ever have times when you just lose it? I've been crying on/off for 2 hours..Plus some of yesterday..  I really just feel like a mess up sometimes.

I don't think I've ever gotten this personal with any of you.. But I've actually been committed (Not by choice) 2 times in the past.. I'm thinking about actually checking myself in this time.. I am so depressed. I really hate everything about my life. Another thing you don't know about me is that I used to cut myself. It's embarrassing to be seen because the scars are so bad. There was one time where I had actually planned on ending my life.. For real.. This was about 2 1/2 years ago. Me and Aaron were home alone.. Aaron was in the back of the house.. He came out.. Saw the knife.. fought me for it... During the struggle I sliced my hand open.. I got 9 stitches. I wound up in the "hospital" for a week and a half.. I've always been on  heavy depression medicine. I have not taken any medication for 3 months. Why did I stop? I swear.. nobody believes me.. but the medicine burns me. Like an hour after taking the medicine my throat starts burning.. I'm so embarrassed.. But I just can't afford to go to the doctor. I can't afford to go to college. I just can't do anything!

Sometimes I just want to talk to someone who actually cares.. But nobody understands.. So whats the point?

I'm sorry everyone.. But I seriously hate myself. I can't do this anymore. If things change I'll let you know. But for now.. I just can't deal with it.. I'm sorry if I've let anyone down.. I really try.. but nobody gets me. It hurts when your misunderstood.



  1. *hugs* Definitely get yourself some help! It gets better!

  2. I'm so sorry you are feeling so depressed...I agree with you...I think getting some help will work.

    I hope things get better! Thinking about you...

  3. There are health clinics you can go to that can help with the medicine situation. You do not need to go through this alone. My husband was the same way for a while. Thankfully he is 100% better now.

  4. Please remember you are loved and you are talented and intelligent enough to ask for help. I mean look you have all these blog followers who are interested in you and what you have to say! Your job will get easier; give it some time. Tomorrow will be better.

  5. hey amanda, it's alright. sometimes shit hits the fan and gets the better of us. never be ashamed of getting help, voluntarily or not. you are only stronger than the people who don't admit their weaknesses. some if us have scars on the outside and others in, but you're here yeah? me too. I'd send hugs if I could but the pixels are a little small. just hold on, okay? this rollercoaster is going to go up soon but it's going to feel a little sick and shaky on the way down. close your eyes, breath but don't let go. you can always email if you need anything. I don't know you well but we share a name and a few other things in common.

  6. Amanda the best thing that I can think of to say right now is I truly understand how you feel. I'm looking for a contact you link so I can email you.

    Check that out. I have been there and there is a way out. =)

  8. I'm so sorry you are feeling so down hon. I really hope somehow you can get some help - nobody should have to feel this way. I don't know you, but I already know I like you. I am an excellent listener, and a mother, and please feel free to email me if you ever want to talk.


  9. A friend sent me this link, and you sound so similar to me...I was committed once, not by choice. I battle with depression on a daily basis and because of no $$ and no medical insurance I go without medication to stabilize me which makes it a daily struggle. I've often thought of committing myself but talk myself out of it.

    Just wanted you to know you aren't alone...feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to

  10. {{HUGS}} all the words mean nothing because they just don't get it. I saw a link up there from someone who are. not. alone!

    My daughter used to work at a subway-like sandwich shop and sometimes she'd come up and say that everyone got up on the wrong side of the bed and took it out on the sandwich girl! So yeah, I can see how it would be stressful.

    Let me repeat... you are not alone....I know we aren't physically with you but there are a lot of out here that will respond.

    depression hurts. Medicine can help but if it "burns" then it's the wrong one. I know you don't feel like researching clinics right now, just grab onto to hope from somewhere that there is a way out and hang on until you feel better.

  11. Said a prayer for you, sweetie. Continue to reach out for help. Email the people above who have been where you are. You do need to talk to someone. Take care of yourself because you ARE worth it. Forget the blog, and just let us know how you are. Hugs!!!

  12. Amanda, I feel like a jerk because I think I've only ever commented on your giveaway posts, but I do read your blog and think about you and your family. I've read you post about your struggle with depression, your family life, etc. I can't say I understand how you feel, but I know I can speak for the majority of your readers when I say please do not feel like you're letting us down. The best thing you can do is to do what's best for yourself, and that's taking whatever time you need to get to a healthy place. Nothing you have ever done should be an embarrassment. You are who you are. You've had struggles. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. I hope that you get the help that you need that puts you on the road to being a happy healthy lady, like you deserve to be. :) We're all thinking of you sweetie and sending well wishes your way.

  13. Amanda you have already done the worst part, and thats asking for help.
    If you can't afford your meds (which you should be on no matter what) please call your local social services and see what is available. If one med doesn't work for you, another one will.

    You arent letting anyone down by taking time off. Just let the blog go for a bit. Then when you are ready, come back.

    Please use the resources available- and do what you need to do. I will be thinking of you, and hoping things get better soon. If you want to email, please do anytime. *hugs***

  14. Amanda, I am so sorry about how you are feeling. Sending a hug ((HUG)) your way.

  15. I'm a new friend of your blog and I don't usually say too much, but I am listening. I know depression. I believe you when you say your medication burns.
    Sit back and take some time.

  16. there are different meds available and your area nay have help for lower income--we have in our little area, yes been there since high school and I am 42--looks like others are here for ya my dear and please keep reaching out to them as it DOES help..
    kendraco22 at yahoo dot com

  17. Amanda, I am so sorry about your depression. I have been there too.. I think I can understand what are you going through now. Hold on!

  18. if you dont have time for the blog- so be it- let it go- you arent letting anyone down- take care of what you need to do for yourself- can you quit the job? dont work if you hate it...hope you get to feeling better and hang in there.

  19. Amanda, there is always someone who will listen. Reach out to whoever you can. I've known a couple people who ended their life because of depression and it hits the family like a freight train. Talk to people. Tell them how you're feeling. Get it out. Crying is therapy.

    And blog! You have hundreds, if not thousands of readers who care about your well being, and can lend an ear. The blog world can be your safe haven. We are all here for you!

    Sending hugs and happiness your way!

  20. Amanda :)
    I'm a follower but don't comment too often on your blog. Asking for help is often the hardest thing to do b/c you don't want to appear vulnerable. But I think it's great that you posted about it and vented.

    I think the best thing you can do is to temporarily let go of any commitments you can so you won't feel so stressed and overwhelmed. Your family, friends, and followers will understand. Or they should. If not, then whatever.

    As for feeling better, take some time for yourself. I've heard that exercise is a great stress reliever.

  21. I understand almost completely if not completely. I've suffered from Depression & Anxiety for about 15 years. When I was first diagnosed, I started seeing a psychiatrist and was put on Paxil. After a year or so Paxil stopped helping, so they put me on Prozac, which helped for about 2 years, then I ended up on a different medicine after a year of being on one because my body got immune to it after a while. I finally quit all depression medication & therapy at age 17 because I didn't feel it was helping enough to bother with it. I too, cut myself [when I was 17 - 19] but my boyfriend found out and somehow got me in a different frame of mind, so I haven't cut since. As much as I've dealt with depression, anxiety is what I've struggled with most. It has caused me to not go to college, get a job, etc... Anyways, my point in telling you all of this...I understand and hope you take advantage of help that is out there. I agree about going to social services and finding out what help you can get. If you need to talk, email me [crazylicious85 at suddenlink dot net] or facebook message me (Allison Lancaster). *HUGS*

  22. I know what you mean about a medicine making you feel like you are burning - I was on a prescription medicine for migraines and a few hours after I took it my throat and chest fet like they were on fire. I finally mentioned it to my dr and he told me it was an allergic reaction! Don't feel ashamed about your feelings or actions, at least you can talk about it. So many people can't admit that they are depressed. Maybe you can have Aaron look up some clinics or therapy centers that charge you a sliding fee based on your income.I learned that I cant work retail - customers attitudes can totally set me off in a horrible mood. Your readers will be here for you when you are ready to post, or when you need to vent and talk - just know we accept you as who you are!

  23. Hi sweetie,
    I just want you to know that you are loved. Remember that the world would be emtpy without you. Right know everything seems dark, like the sun just doesn't seem to want to come out. But the clouds will clear and the sun will shine on you. Just look at all the people that follow your blog and enter your giveaways. I myself have entered and love seeing your cute rats and all the pictures of them. Smile sweetie and you will feel better. Wipe all those tears and say I love myself and no matter what I have done in the past is the past I have today and the rest of my life to love myself. You are worth loving, just remember and say that everyday and when you feel like crying. I suffer from depression for many years and I know what you are going through.
    God Bless sweetie and I will pray for you.

  24. I know how you feel I have battled with depression and anxiety and I often feel worthless. It's very difficult to go through and the thing that keeps me going is my family. I know how sad they would be if I wasn't there and I could never put them through that. The winter time always seems the worst for me and it seems like it gets harder each year. I know things will get better and it looks like from all these bloggers post that you have a lot of people you can talk to who would listen. One of my last post on my blog is a music video you should watch that is really sad and it makes me think a lot. If you ever want to email me you can at and my name is Shilo.

  25. Wow, all these people have said so many amazing things, it has me in tears. As a teen I suffered from severe depression. I had highs and lows but I would get so low that I would freak out like you described above. So I understand where your coming from.
    I found reading helped a lot for me. Reading about people who have gone through similar things, or worse off then me seemed to help. Two books I've read recently that may be something you'd enjoy is A Blue So Dark by Holly Schindler and Fall for Anything by Courtney Summers. They both describe pain and struggle really well. Neither are about depression, but A Blue So Dark is about a girl who cares for her schizophrenic mother when she goes off her medication. Holly's descriptions really transport you to the story. Fall for Anything is about a girl whose father has committed suicide and she's trying to figure out why. Neither are happy reads. They are raw and emotional, but I know for myself that sometimes something that heavy knocks my own depression down a notch.
    I hope that you can find some help and some peace for yourself. We're here when you need us. No matter when that may be. We won't forget about you.

  26. Amanda, I don't think it is uncommon to feel overwhelmed by a new job. I've certainly felt that way. Try to hang in there. You won't be letting us down if you are too busy to blog but do say hi to us once in a while. Please do take your medication but perhaps you could talk to the pharmacist first about the side effects and he could suggest an alternative.
    You are not alone. You have many friends in the blogging world and we have enjoyed getting to know you. Good luck and God bless!

  27. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please talk to those around you and your doctor about your medications. Prayers of peace.

  28. Hi Amanda,
    Won't say much here as I already sent you an email, but as all these people have said, you are cared about, and we pray for you too. My niece has to take medication every day for her depression and her bi-polar condition. She is going through a rough patch right now too, but we all try to help her get through them. Each of us has different challenges in life, that doesn't make any of us better or worse - just equally struggling to get through his/her own situations. You are not alone in this!

  29. I completely understand everything you just said. I have pretty much been through all of it. If you ever need to talk send me an email. And remember...this too shall pass...that's what I tell myself and sometimes it works.

  30. Amanda you are so loved
    You are beautiful
    you are young
    you are SO brave
    Hope is all around you
    Smile because someday you can help someone when they are at their lowest
    i love you
    we love you
    they love you
    please email me anytime
    and more hugs :)

  31. Hello,

    I sent you a email
    I also live in Florida
    I hope the best for you and Aaron
    As my grandmother use to say its not a shame to have a problem but its a shame not to seek help for that problem
    We all are human, nobody is perfect
    Don't let anybody make you think that their life is perfect if they think that, then they are looking through blinders
    Stay positive, Stay focused and celebrate that you are alive and that some how your life will find happiness and joy, you have the love of Aaron so that is so much better then going through this alone
    Take time for yourselves, don't let everyday living rob you of the time you need to hug, cuddle and enjoy each other
    Don't let anybody tell you different if you don't have love, the warm embrace of a hug, even a kind word or smile daily sometimes a few times a day it makes for a sad life, emotional needs are just as important as physical needs
    My gramdfather use to say 1 stick will break but many sticks put together won't break as easy
    So with all the love from Aaron, family and friends

  32. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. I hope you get some help and please know that each & every one of us has problems in one way or another. You are not alone. We care about you and wish the very best for you!

  33. Amanda, do you have a UPS facility closeby? I ask because my nephew worked there for many years as a part time package handler. What was great is that he received full medical and dental coverage along with college tuition assistance (up to about $3k per year, I think?). These are benefits he received as a part-time worker, not a full time worker. He worked 3 days a week or so, but received all of these benefits. Plus, it was great because as a young person, he had never had a job before and it was a great experience. The money he received for tuition assistance helped put him through college, and it was nice not having to worry about medical/dental coverage.

    Just a thought! Of course I am a typical earth sign person, wanting to help you in a practical way:)

    I hope you feel better. Hang in there, you are strong and you will survive.

  34. I'm so sorry that you're having a tough time right now, but you can get through this. You know, you've only had the job for a few days. You're still learning. It must get really busy at times and you hardly have time to think.

    Let me tell you something. I have been at my current job for four years, and I still have days that I'm so overwhelmed that I cry all day, and I did the same thing at my last job. For me, a lot of times it's that I feel I don't have any control. I have to rely on other people who sometimes cannot be relied upon, and that becomes very frustrating. I also put a lot of pressure on myself to give 110% all the time, and then when some of the people around me seem to think I'm not doing enough, that gets frustrating, too.

    Anyway, I don't know if I've ever been clinically depressed, but I can understand your pain, at least on a limited scale. I wish I could give you a hug and assure you of an exact date and time that things would turn around, but life is like a road with lots of twists and turns and hills, and you can't see what's ahead until you get there.

    Please don't try to hurt yourself, and please know that people care about you. You have a great guy who loves you and your pets love you and need you, so when you feel like you can't take it anymore, think of them.

    Don't worry about letting any of us out here down. We like you, or we wouldn't come here, and we'll miss you, but you'll be back when you can and it'll be fine. :)

  35. I was sad to read that you are feeling so bad. Don't be hard on yourself about your new job. A new job can be overwhelming to anyone and with the added pressures you have to deal with it must be even worse. It is difficult when you have to deal with people who think it is okay to take out their own frustrations on someone who is just trying to serve them the best they can while they are learning. Don't let the jerks in the world get you down.
    Just from reading your blog over the past year I see how much you care about your family and your pets. They need you so I am glad you are getting help so you can get back to those you love who love you. I prayed for your grandpa when he was sick and will be praying that those who are helping you will be able to find what works for you. You are a sweet and caring girl who deserves the best in life. Don't give up because things will get better. It sometimes just takes longer than we want it to. (((Hugs)))

  36. Amanda,
    So sorry to hear that you are having problems. Just remember that you are not alone. There are lots of people that care about you and want you to get better soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You took the first step by asking for help. I wish you success in getting your life in order. Know that you have not let any of us down. We want what is best for you. Take care sweetie.

  37. I so understand some of what you're saying, I haven't seen myself when I look in the mirror for a long time. I know I'm in there, but sometimes I get a glimmer of what use to be if I look close enough it's there deep in my eyes. I have to take a lot of medications also, I know some of what you are saying. Just remember and say to yourself and post on the frige " I AM IMPORTANT" So many times when I feel so down, I try and get involved in other things, unfortuntely it dosen't change how your feel. I wish I could help, I also, like you recently lost my pet too, I only had one and it seemed she was the only one to understand me and would listen when I couldn't explain it to anyone else. My husband like yours is so supportive. I think my guilt and feeling bad about myself is never going to end. But I have you in my prayers and you don't have to worry about letting others down, you have to take care of yourself no matter the means. Take care and let me know if I can help. I have a psyciatrist and I go to pain clinics, but the hurt of feeling useless is more than anyone can ever understand. Noone will ever know or totally understand what you are going thru, but I know you have so many friends that you don't even know you have. Hang in there, you are such a beautiful person, you may not see it in yourself right now, but I know I continue to have a glimmer of hope and I hope you will try to find that little bit of hope to help you thru this bad time. Much Love, Karen

  38. Amanda,

    Take some time and just concentrate on getting well. My prayers are with you! My son just recently went through a very deep depression period, he is getting better. You are young and as time goes by things get better. When I was younger I use to be very depressed, but now I very rarely get depressed.

  39. Wow! You have a lot of people who care! So, here I am, another stranger, and I hear you. I get it. I've been dealing with depression/anxiety disorder for over 8 years now. When you're ready, and if you want yet another ear to dump on, I've got good ones!
    There really is an answer for everything. It's finding the right one that takes a long time to find.
    email me if you need to!

  40. I suffer from depression as well and I had a commitment about six years ago after my dad died. I wasn't sleeping or eating properly and was hallucinating quite a bit. Sorry to get so personal but I am alright now that I'm on medication. I had felt that nothing I did was good enough but that was the depression talking.

    What you have to do is be kind to yourself and know that your friends are there for you, too. The blog can wait but sometimes writing to get your feelings under control can help as well.

    My email is if you would like to talk at all.

    God bless,