Well.. Today me and Aaron were reflecting a little bit on our relationship.. It was really nice.. We just layed down, and talked. It was something I needed to do with him.
With all of the stress I've had in my life recently, I just needed to talk. I've been thinking about a lot lately..
About how I've never met my dad.. and when I (we) finally get married.. Who will walk me down the aisle? It means so much to me.. for grandpa to do it.. But he won't be able to.. I mean.. Even if he lived another 6 months... We still won't be married by then.. It's so hard.. and it's so disheartening, to know that he won't be there.
When I was 14.. I was on a bad track.. I was overweight, and miserable. I didn't see it at the time.. But grandpa tried, and tried to get me to exercise and get healthy with him. He asked me to walk one night, and I said fine. That walk turned into something that I will never, ever, forget.
As we rounded the corner behind our house.. He looked at me and said.. "I know it makes you mad to talk about your weight. I've always struggled with my weight, and I don't want to see you go through, what I went through. We can walk, and get healthy together.. I want to see you get married, go to college.. have kids.." and all I could say was "I know."
Lately I have felt like such a failure. Do you know what? That was the last walk that me and my grandfather had ever taken together.. And that's something that I will regret for the rest of my life.. IF I would have continued to walk with my grandpa.. Maybe he would have been healthy right now.. None of this might have happened.. And I know.. Aaron keeps telling me.. You can't look at it that way.. But you know what? It's probably true..
Grandpa left me that night with 3 wishes/hopes he had for me.. And I couldn't do 1 of them.. He wanted to see me happy, succeeding, and in love with a family.. I am starting College on June 27th for him.. And he is so proud of me.. But I am so so scared of it. I'm not ready. I want to be ready. I want to go. I just can't handle all of the pressure.
What if I start, and then something happens to grandpa? I can't quit. I can't be around all of those people. How can I go to College, and feel ok, when I can't even make a telephone call to someone I don't know? I wish I could just get over it all.
I haven't taken my depression medicine.. Still.. Aaron keeps harping me about taking it (for my best.. with all of the stress.. I've been very.. (what's the word?) crazy lately.) I told him tomorrow.. But am I ready? To be honest.. I don't like being someone that I'm not.. If any of you take depression medicine.. I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about.. When I'm not on my medicine, I am such a different person. I'm morbid, I'm happy.. It's all depending on my MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder)
I feel fine.. But if one thing happens that strikes my nerves- The other side of me comes out (I know.. It sounds confusing)
This was supposed to be a happy post.. Then I started talking a little bit about grandpa.. Now I'm crying.. But I want to be happy. I do.
Wednesday I was sitting on my bed with Aaron. I was on the computer, and he was like "I'm bored." So I told him to take pictures of himself..
He got 2 that really captured my attention. The first one, at the head of the post (I just love that picture. He does have a mean face on, but he just looks so beautiful to me. Everything I could possibly want in a man.)
Well.. I'm exhausted..
I've been thinking about starting a new tab at the top of my blog. I'd just call it "Grandpa" and I've been thinking about writing old memories I had with/about grandpa. I have a lot.. and I think it would be a good thing.. Everytime I got depressed I could go, and read them.. It would be a great way to think of all the good, positive memories I've had with him.. Rather then the broken dream memory I have..
I'm depressing myself again.
I'm going to get some sleep.
I don't know if anyone actually has the time to read this entire post (It was supposed to be short, and sweet, and just about the love me and Aaron share) But if you did.. I just want to say Thanks.. It's a really heart felt post.. The only person that knows about that time with me and grandpa, is Aaron.. It's really embarrassing for me to admit that I let my grandpa down..