With all of the stress I've had in my life recently, I just needed to talk. I've been thinking about a lot lately..
About how I've never met my dad.. and when I (we) finally get married.. Who will walk me down the aisle? It means so much to me.. for grandpa to do it.. But he won't be able to.. I mean.. Even if he lived another 6 months... We still won't be married by then.. It's so hard.. and it's so disheartening, to know that he won't be there.
When I was 14.. I was on a bad track.. I was overweight, and miserable. I didn't see it at the time.. But grandpa tried, and tried to get me to exercise and get healthy with him. He asked me to walk one night, and I said fine. That walk turned into something that I will never, ever, forget.
As we rounded the corner behind our house.. He looked at me and said.. "I know it makes you mad to talk about your weight. I've always struggled with my weight, and I don't want to see you go through, what I went through. We can walk, and get healthy together.. I want to see you get married, go to college.. have kids.." and all I could say was "I know."
Lately I have felt like such a failure. Do you know what? That was the last walk that me and my grandfather had ever taken together.. And that's something that I will regret for the rest of my life.. IF I would have continued to walk with my grandpa.. Maybe he would have been healthy right now.. None of this might have happened.. And I know.. Aaron keeps telling me.. You can't look at it that way.. But you know what? It's probably true..
Grandpa left me that night with 3 wishes/hopes he had for me.. And I couldn't do 1 of them.. He wanted to see me happy, succeeding, and in love with a family.. I am starting College on June 27th for him.. And he is so proud of me.. But I am so so scared of it. I'm not ready. I want to be ready. I want to go. I just can't handle all of the pressure.
What if I start, and then something happens to grandpa? I can't quit. I can't be around all of those people. How can I go to College, and feel ok, when I can't even make a telephone call to someone I don't know? I wish I could just get over it all.
I haven't taken my depression medicine.. Still.. Aaron keeps harping me about taking it (for my best.. with all of the stress.. I've been very.. (what's the word?) crazy lately.) I told him tomorrow.. But am I ready? To be honest.. I don't like being someone that I'm not.. If any of you take depression medicine.. I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about.. When I'm not on my medicine, I am such a different person. I'm morbid, I'm happy.. It's all depending on my MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder)
I feel fine.. But if one thing happens that strikes my nerves- The other side of me comes out (I know.. It sounds confusing)
-Sigh-
This was supposed to be a happy post.. Then I started talking a little bit about grandpa.. Now I'm crying.. But I want to be happy. I do.
Another subject..
Wednesday I was sitting on my bed with Aaron. I was on the computer, and he was like "I'm bored." So I told him to take pictures of himself..
He got 2 that really captured my attention. The first one, at the head of the post (I just love that picture. He does have a mean face on, but he just looks so beautiful to me. Everything I could possibly want in a man.)
And then...
I found the most creepy picture of my entire life.. As soon as I saw it I had to go "WUH!?!" Aaron decided to like flex, and creepify his foot..And he ended up with this picture:
Well.. I'm exhausted..
I've been thinking about starting a new tab at the top of my blog. I'd just call it "Grandpa" and I've been thinking about writing old memories I had with/about grandpa. I have a lot.. and I think it would be a good thing.. Everytime I got depressed I could go, and read them.. It would be a great way to think of all the good, positive memories I've had with him.. Rather then the broken dream memory I have..
-Sigh-
I'm depressing myself again.
I'm going to get some sleep.
I don't know if anyone actually has the time to read this entire post (It was supposed to be short, and sweet, and just about the love me and Aaron share) But if you did.. I just want to say Thanks.. It's a really heart felt post.. The only person that knows about that time with me and grandpa, is Aaron.. It's really embarrassing for me to admit that I let my grandpa down..
Amanda.
Well I read the whole thing and I was brought up by my grandparents the first 7 years of my life, something I will cherish forever. Sometimes I think of them and they still get me through things. I guarantee you that your grandpa is not felling let down because he knows how much you love him and you have shared his life all this time, what a gift the two of you have had. He just wants the best for you and wants you to live your best life because he loves you.You can't blame yourself foryour grandpas health, if he wanted to he would have went for a walk at any time. Like Oprah said the only person you can control is you! Big hug to you I know what it's like to lose a wonderful grandpa, cherish the days you still have! Blogger and google isn't working so have to sign in as anonymus!
ReplyDeleteAmanda, you have never let your Grandpa down. He loves you very much and you love him right back. What else is there really?
ReplyDeleteAaron is right about that walk in one respect- you can't go back in time and go walking with your Grandpa. But, you did learn a lesson that years later stayed with you- to walk and move is to stay healthy. Your Grandpa was a golfer- he walked plenty- but you can take a walk when you're feeling down and think of him and the lesson you learned.
We all have doubts, regrets, dreams never fulfilled you're not alone in that respect at all. The hard part is not beating ourselves up with the regrets and getting mired down by them. Easier said then done for sure!
And you know, you have fulfilled alot of your Grandpa's wishes- you are in love, you don't have a ababy of your own, but you have family you love , and you are succeeding- you start school soon, you run this blog yourself, you do alot of things that are a sign of success.
And so I dont turn this into some book or novel- when you get in school, if something happens to your Grandpa- don't give up, don't be scared- because he will be walking along with you encouraging you along as he always has....
*hugs*
(and by golly Aaron, that's a creepy looking foot you got there !)
OK..first of all, take your meds. I am bi-polar and I understand what happens when you aren't taking what you are prescribed.I didn't know what was wrong with me for years. I thot, I was just a bitch. Always depressed with mood swings that would catch me off guard. I thot I was insane. It's such a different world now. And I hate..regret the years that were wasted feeling miserable and making everyone around me the same! I look back ( I am in my 50s) and I am ashamed of how I acted! Why put yourself thru this when YOU DON'T HAVE TO? And if your grandfather knew that you were blaming yourself for his illness that would kill him! He is an adult and responsible for what actions he did or didn't do. You cant carry that burden, it isnt fair to you or your grandfather. And as for starting school, the first step is always the hardest, but you will be relieved after you do take that step. And you will find out its not that hard as you thot it would be after all. And remember your depression is blocking you,,,,start your meds!!! If you ever and I means this..need someone to talk to privately, let me know..write me back.. Theresa.
ReplyDeleteI read the whole post...and I'm sure you're grandpa doesnt feel like you've let him down. I bet you've given him more joy than you know.
ReplyDeleteI did read the whole thing and I just want to say...I'm sure your grandpa is proud of you for lots of things you have done in your life. He didn't mean it was just those specific things he wanted for you. He is probably most proud of what a caring, loving person you are to him and your other loved ones.
ReplyDeleteDo please try the college thing...you won't regret it if you just try it and see.
Here's 2 cents from someone else who read the whole post Amanda. Let's see if I can remember all my thoughts
ReplyDelete. Aaron has one creepy looking foot - we all seem to agree on that one
. I think your idea of putting together a Grandpa tab is wonderful. I'd love to see a whole where he came from thing - his family, schooling, life work, hobbies. And of course your specific memories - the earliest, the happiest, the most recent health issues
. Maybe you should talk to someone about this guilt thing you are feeling. Your grandfather could of walked 10 miles a day with or without you and still have the same health issues today.
. about the meds -- I'm with Aaron, please take them. But, maybe you could see if they can't prescribe a different variation that would leave you feeling more like yourself, just in control.
You don't want to rely on them, but yet you realize you do better with them. The stress of your grandfathers health on top of planning on starting college in the fall would knock anyone for a loop. For you to attempt to cope without the benefit of meds given your NPD is not giving yourself a fair chance.
ha - now i'm wondering if you will read all the way thru these windy comments.
YOU are a wonderful young woman! Grandpa knows it and Aaron knows it...you just need to let yourself be convinced! See the things within yourself that they see!
ReplyDeleteI'm still keeping you in my prayers, yanno....and i don't waste my time on crap-weasels! you're one of the good ones! i feel it in my bones!
xoxoxox
ps aaron....that foot? whoaaaaaaa that's the stuff nightmares are made of! cover that thing up!
ReplyDeleteI read all the way through and at 40, can tell you looking back, you will always have regrets. Just try to live going forward with as little as possible. Never go without your meds. Life is different with them but its BETTER that is why! Hang in there. This too shall pass. Jeanine. Www.icoulduseadeal.com
ReplyDeleteYou should write about the optimistic, for example, the sun, unless it is today if it does not, about well cooked breakfast / dinner. You can write that Aaron was with you today. Believe me, if I'm alone in my bed all my life, this could be the cause of depression, but I do not write about it.
ReplyDeleteYour psychiatrist just happy that you give him a job. Do it for evil - get well!
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteHopefully, by now, you have gotten past some of this, but...
1, life does not come without it challanges.
2, who are you comparing yourself to that makes you feel like a failure? You don't look like a failure to me.
3, Sounds like you have had a pretty special relationship with your Grampa and that's a strength and a plus. I think we all could identify "what if" things that would have changed the course of the world. Wait til you have kids -- oy vey!
Me thinks its the depression talking. Take the meds so you can see things in color and not just darkly.
You are what you think so you need to find a way to think positive.
Take care. I think you're great!
P.S. Are you eating well? sleeping? working too hard? (You just got past a big giveaway blitz). At least take care of your basics and let others help if need be. Its just temporary.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know I read the whole post too. I'm sure your grandpa doesn't feel like you let him. Aaron sounds like a great guy for you. I have been thinking of going to the dr to talk about my anxiety lately - I know a lot of it has been the stress of moving ( totally had a hysterical meltdown in the bathroom yesterday, while our families were here helping us move in) but I feel like ineed so eg ing to help m stop worrying about everything!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the post above me of writing a positive post or maybe just a journal entry every day. I could be a happy or funny memory or just something good that happened or made you smile that day. : )
I don't believe that you've let your Grandpa down. If you killed someone or robbed a bank, maybe he would consider you to be a disappointment. When you love someone, and you want the best for them, and they just can't get there, then that person is not letting you down. You're not disappointed *in them, you're disappointed *for them. I hope you can see the difference and come to some peace with yourself.
ReplyDeleteMaybe one thing you can do is to start walking now, even if your Grandpa can't go with you. Ten or fifteen minutes a day, walking around the block, and promise yourself that you will only think positive thoughts. You will think about the good things that you have accomplished, prizes that you've won, special friends, special moments. Make a list and carry it with you. Read over it until you have it memorized and then recite it.
I'm a firm believer that optimism pays off. Whether you call it the power of positive thinking or creative visualization or The Secret or the power of prayer - believe in yourself and believe that good things will come to you and they will.
Best always,
Auriette
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself,Doll!I expect all your Grandpa really wants is for you to be happy. Maybe the other things he wished for you, were what he thought would get you there. And happiness is relative.Sometimes big,sometimes very small.He obviously loves you very much. Would never want you tearing yourself up like this.You are raking yourself over what you see as your mistakes. But older folks, know what younger ones don't yet. That it is just living, and growing. Unavoidable,and instantly forgiven.There's a line in a Bob Dylan song, that stuck me to think about things in a different way. Helped me turn some things around in my thinking- "For the love of God, you ought to take pity on yourself" It makes sense. God would want that. So would your Grandpa.I wish you all the best~Hang in there~Mary
ReplyDelete