Saturday, November 5, 2011
I'm so depressed, and so stupid.
I literally hate myself right now.
I'm not handling this well. Went off my depression medicine again..Thought I would be okay.. Wasn't prepared for what happened tonight.
Earlier today my neighbor called me, and asked me to babysit her 3 kids. I said sure, no problem. So the night goes by and were having a great time. One of the kids decides to sleep over at our other neighbors house. So I'm still watching 2 of the kids. Earlier in the day I had shown the smaller one my baby rats, and I guess she had mentioned it to her brother.
So before we were about to go in her brother asked if he could see the baby rats as well. I said sure.
So I went and got a tub and put all of the babies inside. Then we went on the drive way and mad a triangle with out legs by putting our feet together. I started putting the babies inside - the boy let one escape, and the girl didn't realize that one was escaping on her side... She jumped up to get the one on her brother's side, and she stepped on one of my baby hairless rats.... He started gasping for air.. and passed away 15 seconds later..
Aaron has told me 100 times not to let the kids around the rats, and I just didn't listen. Now one of my babies is gone, I can't stop crying. My depression is going at me full blast, and I literally can't deal with anything right now. I saw the whole thing happen, and it was the sickest, saddest thing I've ever witnessed.. I loved that baby girl more than anything.. I've been documenting their first days of life, and now.. on her 24th day of life.. she's gone. And it's all my fault.
I feel terrible, and I don't know what to do. I'm so depressed, and it's worse then it's ever been.. I have emotions of losing my grandpa.. seeing this baby die.. I just can't do this right now.