Saturday, November 5, 2011

I'm so depressed, and so stupid.


I literally hate myself right now.

I'm not handling this well. Went off my depression medicine again..Thought I would be okay.. Wasn't prepared for what happened tonight.

Earlier today my neighbor called me, and asked me to babysit her 3 kids. I said sure, no problem. So the night goes by and were having a great time. One of the kids decides to sleep over at our other neighbors house. So I'm still watching 2 of the kids. Earlier in the day I had shown the smaller one my baby rats, and I guess she had mentioned it to her brother.

So before we were about to go in her brother asked if he could see the baby rats as well. I said sure.

So I went and got a tub and put all of the babies inside. Then we went on the drive way and mad a triangle with out legs by putting our feet together. I started putting the babies inside - the boy let one escape, and the girl didn't realize that one was escaping on her side... She jumped up to get the one on her brother's side, and she stepped on one of my baby hairless rats.... He started gasping for air.. and passed away 15 seconds later..

Aaron has told me 100 times not to let the kids around the rats, and I just didn't listen. Now one of my babies is gone, I can't stop crying. My depression is going at me full blast, and I literally can't deal with anything right now. I saw the whole thing happen, and it was the sickest, saddest thing I've ever witnessed.. I loved that baby girl more than anything.. I've been documenting their first days of life, and now.. on her 24th day of life.. she's gone. And it's all my fault.

I feel terrible, and I don't know what to do. I'm so depressed, and it's worse then it's ever been.. I have emotions of losing my grandpa.. seeing this baby die.. I just can't do this right now.
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25 comments:

  1. tannawingsNovember 5, 2011 at 9:05 PM

    Stop it right now and breathe. Just breathe-nothing else. You can't change it, it was an accident .

    *hugs*

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  2. AnonymousNovember 5, 2011 at 9:11 PM

    So sorry this happened to u, Amanda! But tannawings was right on when she said that it was an accident. I know what depression feels like because I have it. And I know what its like when youre having a really hard time. it seems like nothing is going right and u cant get out of it. I've been on meds since I was 13, I'm now 28. I have never even attempted to get off them bc that scares me. I think I didnt have them for one day and I was panicking and I felt like crap too. But I seriously applaud you for trying to get off them, I know its hard to do. I think we are friends on fb if you ever want to talk about anything. It would be nice to talk to someone who knows more or less about what you are going through. :) Amanda S.

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  3. AnonymousNovember 5, 2011 at 9:15 PM

    I'm so sorry. It's heartbreaking when we lose our little ones. {hugs}

    Christine D.

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  4. scarlettred41816@aol.comNovember 5, 2011 at 9:38 PM

    Aww I am so sorry hun. Bless your heart. Its so hard to lose our pets. And being depressed on top of it. I know they were your babies and I have enjoyed your pictures so much. Make sure if you stop your meds you do it gradually and with your doctors help. That isnt something you want to do alone..it will make you crash and burn if you just stop all at once. Sending you hugs hun.

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  5. Katie DNovember 5, 2011 at 10:54 PM

    You can do this!!

    I know it's hard to lose an animal you love so much, but it was an accident. It's not your fault. You didn't know that this was going to happen.

    Sending hugs and thoughts your way!

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  6. Carina OlsenNovember 6, 2011 at 12:48 AM

    Omg. I'm so so sorry bb :'( It was an accident. But I can understand how you feel. I hope you will feel better with time. <3 *Hugs*
    Love, Carina

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  7. stacey dempseyNovember 6, 2011 at 1:25 AM

    you CAN get through this, i have seen you get through many things and you are stronger than you think. it was a terrible accident but not your fault and i am sorry too as i know how much those little guys mean to you, losing anything you love is sad , but you will get through , take care of yourself (hugs)

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  8. LarissaNovember 6, 2011 at 1:26 AM

    I'm so sorry! But they're right, it was an accident. Accidents happen, and aren't your fault. It's sad and it's terrible, but it could have happened a zillion different ways.

    Please make an appointment with your doc if you need to, or go back on the meds asap if you can. Whatever it takes. The chemical issues are exacerbating your sorrow.

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  9. CrystalNovember 6, 2011 at 3:07 AM

    Oh man, that's so hard. *hugs* It's hard to lose a pet in such a tragic way, and to be so sad when there's nothing you can do to fix the situation.

    I'd spend a little extra time loving up the other rats. They will enjoy the attention, and it might help you feel better, too.

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  10. Mary KirklandNovember 6, 2011 at 4:14 AM

    I'm so sorry you lost her in such a traumatic way. It's not you're fault, you were just showing off your babies...something I have done countless times to my little nieces and nephews. It was a tragic acciedent, one that was a traumatic experience for you. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. My heart goes out to you and the little ratty. The other babies still need you, give them lots of extra love and they will help you get through this. I'm so sorry you experienced this.

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  11. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 5:15 AM

    I am sorry you are having a hard time. I have had shock therapy about 6 years ago hoping to find some kind of peace. It didn't work. I still struggle on a daily basis with my sever depression. I must tell you however that if you are so fragile at this point as your latest post states. Than I don't think you should be watching other peoples children anymore. You really should not be taking care of children when you seem to be in a depression cycle. I have two young boys BUT I never take care of other peoples children when I am having stress or hard days. I tell my boys sorry no friends over today. They still have plenty of other days that our home is filled with friends coming in and out.
    That is an extra stress that you don't really need right now and I truly believe that your friend would not want you taking care of her children at this point in your life. You are talking about not being able to go on, which implies very dangerous thinking.
    I am sorry to be blunt but you are taking care of children here, not pets. I get you love animals and that is great but I would never let my children be looked after someone in your position. I am not going to leave you my name. You can all say that I am a terrible person and if I did not have the same feelings that you are having right now I would not have even posted this comment. BUT I have been there, I still suffer not as often but I have felt the same. I lost my first born baby at 31 weeks so I know about loss but I am now a parent and I truly believe you should not be taking care of children that are not in your own house. I hope you are being honest with the mothers of the children you are agreeing to watch for long periods of time.

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  12. Miranda HardyNovember 6, 2011 at 6:53 AM

    Sorry to hear about one of the babies. Please get past this depression. I know it's not easy.

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  13. MicheleNovember 6, 2011 at 7:27 AM

    I'm sorry about your baby - that was a terrible thing to see. I agree with most comments - it WAS an accident (I know it doesn't ease the guilt, though). Take care

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  14. jayedeeNovember 6, 2011 at 8:58 AM

    i'm so sorry for your loss! and even sorrier that you had to see it happen. please remember, that that little baby was here for a purpose. he fulfilled that purpose or God wouln't have called him right back home again. close your eyes...can you see him peeking out of your grandpa's shirt pocket? please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers...and here if you need me.

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  15. jayedeeNovember 6, 2011 at 9:03 AM

    to Anonymous I wish you wouldn't have hidden behind that Anonymous tag. I would love to discuss your lack of empathy and understanding with you, privately, but as I cannot, remember what your mother should have taught you, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"

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  16. AnonymousNovember 6, 2011 at 9:53 AM

    Amanda, accidents happen that's how life is. You are not stupid, you were sharing your love of your animals with children and they will be extremely sad that caused the baby to die and you to be so unhappy. Your baby was here for a purpose and a reason, although unclear to you right now. Your other babies need you, Aaron needs you and we, your readers need you. I have Beta Fish that I love dearly. They actually know when I come in to the room and they swim up to the tops of their tanks waiting for me to feed them Two of them died yesterday for no apparent reason. I am sad for my loss and sad for you as well Sending big hugs and positive thoughts your way!!
    Linda


    Sorry for the anonymous post, my google account has frozen me out. -(

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  17. Carrie PhelpsNovember 6, 2011 at 9:56 AM

    Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. It was an accident. Nonetheless I'm sorry you saw this. Try to focus on the beautiful time you had with her & the joy she brought you.

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  18. TheresaNovember 6, 2011 at 2:38 PM

    I know it hurts, but i hope you find some closure. Talk to someone, cry, and consider that it is hurting so much because you are off your meds. Then it will still hurt, but be managable.

    And when you ever go off of any anti-depressives you need to go off slowly, with a support system (including doctors or a nurse) ready.

    I hope you feel better, eventuallu if not soon.
    and remember, you still have other babies that need you.

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  19. Belinda RevercombNovember 6, 2011 at 4:06 PM

    It was a freak accident. You did NOT cause this to happen by wanting to share your love of your beautiful babies with these children. You need to grieve for her, but remember that you have the other babies (and blogging friends) to help you through this loss.

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  20. Celebrate WomanNovember 6, 2011 at 4:29 PM

    My dear Friend,
    We are with you every step of the way. Feeling you, watching over you.
    Love and peace to you.

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  21. DianeNovember 6, 2011 at 5:24 PM

    Everyone knows how much you care for animals, and everyone knows it is something you never would have intended to happen. You were only trying to share the animals with the children. Im so sorry it happend and that you saw it. I have seen you get through some terrible emotional hardships before. Know that we are all here, supporting you, and we always will be.

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  22. Amanda TempelNovember 6, 2011 at 6:13 PM

    Thank you so much to everyone for your care, and understanding. I am still very sad, but I've come to terms with it, and I understand that it was an accident. Last night when I wrote that it was literally 15 minutes after my baby had died.. And I needed to vent. This is MY blog, and I feel that I should be able to vent.

    To Anonymous- I haven't been dealing with depression - Which is why I stopped taking my medication. I'm not having any loss of control.. until one of the children I was watching stepped on my baby. I DID NOT cry in front of her, and I instantly got down on my knees, gave her a hug, and told her it was okay, and it was not her fault. I did not in ANY WAY show my emotions. I held them in like I always do, and I honestly feel that you shouldn't ASSUME.

    It's rude to ASSUME that I went nuts and had a depression episode in front of the children. Because it DID NOT happen like that.

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  23. CathyHNovember 6, 2011 at 6:28 PM

    :( I understand your depression. Remember it's a chemical change in our brains, not just being sad like some people think. People can't even tell when we are suffering from it and feeling the physical pain..we hide it well. Just wanted to let you know I understand that. Very sad about your baby .

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  24. scarlettred41816@aol.comNovember 6, 2011 at 8:24 PM

    To Anonymous..you are a complete bitch plain an simple. Just because you dealt with your depression in your way, does not make you an expert in the matters. Maybe you would freak out in front of people doesnt mean that all people who are depressed cannot keep themselves composed in front of people! I am bi-polar with the complications of depression on top of that. And tho I had gone to hell and back, not ONCE did I lose control of myself. And THIS IS ALSO WHEN MY 19 YEAR OLD SON WAS MURDERED. SO SHAME ON YOU. YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO AMANDA. Everyone else who reads all of her blogs knows that she wouldn't have upset those children what so ever.! Again shame on you.

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  25. Storm Safety BlogNovember 6, 2011 at 10:56 PM

    I'm so sorry that this happened, Amanda. Remember, though, it's really easy to look back and second guess yourself. You can't change the past. You must mourn your baby, of course, but please try not to blame yourself. (((hugs)))

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