Ever since that post I did back some time ago, with the whole "anonymous" mishap, I have really been weary, as to whether or not I would post about myself so personally again, as it had obviously opened me up to even more criticism.. But lately, I have been feeling an extreme amount of pressure.. and I've decided, like you all say, this is my blog.. And sometimes I need to rant a little, to help me calm myself.
Lately, I have been feeling different. Like, I've been getting the type of feeling you get when something is changing in you (those of you with depression may know more so, of what I'm talking about.)
I have been extremely unemotional for the most part, but I can feel sparks of problems arising.
Most recently, my MPD has been coming out. I was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder several years ago... And if you don't know what it is, it's when you have immense mood swings, which completely change your personality within seconds. Personally, during my episodes I go through fits of rage, and cycles of deep depression. These attacks usually just come out of nowhere, but after dealing with them for several years, I feel like I can see the signs. The scariest part, is that during these "fits" I get into such a frenzy, that for the most part, after the incident, I can't remember entirely what I did, what caused the problem in the first place, or even what I'd said during the whole thing.
I get extremely paranoid, and lately I've been feeling attacked. Pretty much by anybody - Like I do something small, and I get no response, or I make a simple mistake, and someone gets mad at me.. And I spend days and days going over the occurrence in my head, trying to figure out what I could do to amend the problem.
Speaking of going over occurrences in my head.. My OCD is coming back too. And I'll say it right now.. I am not on my medication. I know it may be beneficial to me, but to be honest, I feel like I shouldn't have to depend on putting 9 pills into my body every single day just to make me "normal." I want people to love me, and care for me, for the person I am, not the person taking a bunch of pills makes me.
My depression is tending to run all over the place, and it's making me question every little thing I do, and what I have accomplished in my life.
To be honest, I feel like a failure. I'm 21, I haven't gone to College (Oh how I've tried!) I don't really have a job (I do a little small paying job watching my elder neighbor while his wife is away.) I tried volunteering.. It seems like even they didn't want me.. I feel like my blog is a wreck.. I try and try to make my blog as successful as possible, but I feel like lately, when I post, I am losing myself. For the longest time I wanted to incorporate my rats into my posts, and I actually did it for a while. But then I started getting some negative criticism from some of my readers, and even some PR Agents, about how "disgusting" my rats were. As much as I wanted my rats on my blog, and on every post, I just couldn't deal with people calling something I love with all of my heart "disgusting." The people who said it might as well have smacked me in the face, or punched me in the heart.
I have nothing to say about myself anymore. I want to have some type of accomplishment under my belt, and it seems like that's never going to happen. I try different things, but it seems like every single thing I do ends up failing eventually.
I can't keep my heart on one thing, and it is really tearing me up. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay, and other times.. I just want to cry at the failure I've turned out to be. I don't know why I can't be successful at something. My thoughts won't stop racing, and even while I'm typing this, I can't keep my train of thought on one thing.
The 1 year anniversary of my grandpa's passing is also coming up, and it's constantly on my mind. I find myself thinking about him several times a day.. and I just don't know how I'm going to handle that date this year.
A part of me wants to take a break, but the sane part of me realizes I can't. The last time I did I got ridiculed and my blog sank. I can't stand the thought of all of my hard work just disappearing. So even though I'm in this funk, I still have to carry on.. While nobody probably even cares.
Sometimes what hurts me the most, is that most people seem to not care. I try to be nice to every single person I come across, and I do my absolute best to extend a hand.. But because I'm this "Rat Girl" I guess people don't see me as a good person? I really don't know, but after some of the emails I've gotten, it's hard to think I'm doing a good job, and it's hard to stay positive.
I guess I just want people to understand me.