Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Emotionally Distraught and Depressed :'(


 


Ever since that post I did back some time ago, with the whole "anonymous" mishap, I have really been weary, as to whether or not I would post about myself so personally again, as it had obviously opened me up to even more criticism.. But lately, I have been feeling an extreme amount of pressure.. and I've decided, like you all say, this is my blog.. And sometimes I need to rant a little, to help me calm myself.

Lately, I have been feeling different. Like, I've been getting the type of feeling you get when something is changing in you (those of you with depression may  know more so, of what I'm talking about.)
I have been extremely unemotional for the most part, but I can feel sparks of problems arising.

Most recently, my MPD has been coming out. I was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder several years ago... And if you don't know what it is, it's when you have immense mood swings, which completely change your personality within seconds. Personally, during my episodes I go through fits of rage, and cycles of deep depression. These attacks usually just come out of nowhere, but after dealing with them for several years, I feel like I can see the signs. The scariest part, is that during these "fits" I get into such a frenzy, that for the most part, after the incident, I can't remember entirely what I did, what caused the problem in the first place, or even what I'd said during the whole thing.

I get extremely paranoid, and lately I've been feeling attacked. Pretty much by anybody - Like I do something small, and I get no response, or I make a simple mistake, and someone gets mad at me.. And I spend days and days going over the occurrence in my head, trying to figure out what I could do to amend the problem.

Speaking of going over occurrences in my head.. My OCD is coming back too. And I'll say it right now.. I am not on my medication. I know it may be beneficial to me, but to be honest, I feel like I shouldn't have to depend on putting 9 pills into my body every single day just to make me "normal." I want people to love me, and care for me, for the person I am, not the person taking a bunch of pills makes me.

My depression is tending to run all over the place, and it's making me question every little thing I do, and what I have accomplished in my life.

To be honest, I feel like a failure. I'm 21, I haven't gone to College (Oh how I've tried!) I don't really have a job (I do a little small paying job watching my elder neighbor while his wife is away.) I tried volunteering.. It seems like even they didn't want me.. I feel like my blog is a wreck.. I try and try to make my blog as successful as possible, but I feel like lately, when I post, I am losing myself. For the longest time I wanted to incorporate my rats into my posts, and I actually did it for a while. But then I started getting some negative criticism from some of my readers, and even some PR Agents, about how "disgusting" my rats were. As much as I wanted my rats on my blog, and on every post, I just couldn't deal with people calling something I love with all of my heart "disgusting." The people who said it might as well have smacked me in the face, or punched me in the heart.

I have nothing to say about myself anymore. I want to have some type of accomplishment under my belt, and it seems like that's never going to happen. I try different things, but it seems like every single thing I do ends up failing eventually.

I can't keep my heart on one thing, and it is really tearing me up. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay, and other times.. I just want to cry at the failure I've turned out to be. I don't know why I can't be successful at something. My thoughts won't stop racing, and even while I'm typing this, I can't keep my train of thought on one thing.

The 1 year anniversary of my grandpa's passing is also coming up, and it's constantly on my mind. I find myself thinking about him several times a day.. and I just don't know how I'm going to handle that date this year.

A part of me wants to take a break, but the sane part of me realizes I can't. The last time I did I got ridiculed and my blog sank. I can't stand the thought of all of my hard work just disappearing. So even though I'm in this funk, I still have to carry on.. While nobody probably even cares.

Sometimes what hurts me the most, is that most people seem to not care. I try to be nice to every single person I come across, and I do my absolute best to extend a hand.. But because I'm this "Rat Girl" I guess people don't see me as a good person? I really don't know, but after some of the emails I've gotten, it's hard to think I'm doing a good job, and it's hard to stay positive.
I guess I just want people to understand me.


46 comments:

  1. Amanda,

    It's heartbreaking to read your post. Without walking in your shoes, I can't truly understand how you feel. But I would like to say that what you want and how you feel matters. With so much going on for you right now, I encourage you to reach out to those you know and can share in person to. Talk to your doctor and see what you can do for you. It might be exercises for your body or your mind. It might be natural ways of helping yourself or it might be medication or even a combination(sometimes drugs help, even if not forever - I have people I love who need them and while they don't like them, they take them when things are overwhelming)

    I get that you want to be understood as the person you are. You've worked hard to build up your blog, to put yourself out there and to make a life. It's important that people understand that - and that they see the real you. Right now, though, things seem to be building for you and I hope that there are people you love that can help you to slow your mind down, to focus, to center yourself. After all, you're the most important person in your world (or you should be :-)

    And you know what - this is YOUR blog. Let it shine in your own way with your own words and your own topics. Rats are in the title so let them have their time if that's what you want. (and they are cute and smart little creatures - We've had our share of them as pets, too)

    Take care of yourself and know that out there people do listen. And let someone else extend a hand to you this time - you deserve it.

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  2. Amanda, I will say this now- you are one of the most giving people I know here on the net- and I imagine you are very much like this in person.

    Neither you nor your blog are a failure. I have been with you a very long time and watched you grow- both personally and in your writing/ posts.You just hit a huge 5K milestone, not every blog can say they have done that! As for the folks who don't like your rats- well it is obvious by your blog name you like them, and in my opinion if they visit and criticize don't let the door hit them in the behind when they leave. You can't please everyone.

    It isn't my place, but you have to evaluate what you feel like/react like on meds VS not on them. When there is a chemical imbalance happening, it isn't a matter of people not liking one version or the other - if you feel better one way, go that route. Perhaps you can decrease your meds or talk with your Dr about alternative treatments. Most people don't like to take meds, but trust me, taking meds to correct something doesn't make you a failure or less of a person.

    What might be bugging you is that anniversary coming up. You went through a heck of a lot. You are worrying , and it is affecting other things.

    You started volunteering- that's a good thing. You haven't found your 'place' there yet, but you have a lot of strengths you can offer them- use your talents. You are speaking for animals who can't speak for themselves.

    Alot of folks out here care a great deal about you, even though we are far away, although we may never meet. You have touched our lives with your writing, with your rats, with both funny stories and your sad times. You have shared your heart with us, and we are grateful- never ever think we don't appreciate it. Don't ever think you are less than beautiful to us - both inside and out.

    *hugs*

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  3. Oh, Dear One, that's a lot of heavy stuff. May I share a verse from the Bible with you that has helped me a lot? Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus said Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

    Putting my trust in Him lifted my depression and if you want to talk about it more, just email me.

    Also, rats are beautiful, intelligent animals! Your loving them is not wrong or weird, but not everyone will understand.

    Hold on to hope.

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  4. Oh Amada,
    i so sorry you are feeling that way. Of course you aren't a failure and your blog is great but some jealous person will try to make you think the opposite so they feel better. Don't listen you are doing great.

    I think it also that anniversarry that is putting you out of balance because the anniversary of our loved ones that aren't there are so difficult for anyone. When it's my father i'm completly out and it's during exams time so i'm already afraid and i still have more than one month left. I'm sorry i can't help you with that but i haven't found a solution to alliavte a bit of the pain yet.

    Your rats are cute and you can write about them if you want don't let anybody tell you that you can't do something just because they don't like it.

    There will be better days just don't give up

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  5. Amanda..this is your blog and you post anything you want. I think these post are a great way to express yourself. I adore your blog and want you to know you are valued and heard.

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  6. As a fellow blogger I know your struggles. I don't know all that you go through, but I do know the stresses of life and how hard they can be and for anyone to make you feel less for being human is horrible. Even though I dont have MPD I do know alot about it and I feel for you and can only image the daily struggles you have. This is your blog and it is here for you to do with it as you wish as long as it isn't hurting anyone. I feel you expressing your personal experiences can HELP others who are dealing with the same thing. Don't let others put you down. You are NOT a failure. Life throws all of us curves. No one is perfect and you are no less than anyone. Hugs to you! Keep blogging! HUGS
    Tracers

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  7. I guess in terms of what you post about, you have to weigh out if it's more important to you to post about things you love that make you happy, or things that will make random readers and PR people happy. I personally think rats are way cuter than those icky photos mom bloggers post of their kids with food all over their face (eww!). But that's just me, and obviously there are people that think differently.

    I don't know why anyone thinks it is ok to make rude comments, though. If people don't like what you post, they can go somewhere else, or they can get over it. I can't tell you how often I silently roll my eyes at some blogs and think "Oh, lovely, another post about diapers." But if I like that blog's giveaways, I figure the posts I'm not into aren't that tough to click past.

    You are way too young to think you're failing, btw. Nobody has it all together. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

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  8. I hope you feel better soon Amanda. I deal with depression and know how hard it is to lose a loved one, my grandfather passed away almost 6 years ago and I still miss him daily.
    I know that taking a bunch of meds is crappy, but there are times when it is necessary for at least a while. Maybe you can talk to your doctor about taking less meds, and trying some sort of no pill help too (meditation, yoga, journal writing, etc). You are way too young to be feeling like a failure. At 21, no one has it all together, and most people don't have it all together even at 31, 41, etc. You just have to keep trying.

    And I agree with everyone else. This is your blog. You should be able to write about anything you want, if people don't like it they don't have to follow or read it. Although rats are not a pet I would enjoy, I have had guinea pigs, hamsters, etc when growing up. And I definitely would rather read about them/see them than read about stomach viruses causing "Little Johnny" to barf and such. I mean gross!!!!
    Try to do something you enjoy. If nothing else, just get your babies out and play with them. Or go for a walk, try something new, turn on some music loud and sing and dance, just something FUN!!!

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  9. Ive been there. you just power through it. Why? because you can.. tell yourself you can!! do some exercising , its very beneficial to your self esteem and help. and PS rats are awesome. i miss mine!! ive been reading your blog for a while now and i love it! keep up the great work!! u arent alone with anything you go through!

    Ellen ROss of Ask Away
    http://ellenross.blogspot.com

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  10. There are always people who loves being "bad", yes. This is your blog and we are here for what you write. And you are one of the most generous bloggers in this blogosphere. Don't forget; people who criticise you harshly are maybe the ones that would like to be in your shoes. Don't let them bother you in this way. Keep on what you do. Loves...

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  11. just a big hug for you ♥
    do what make you happy
    i wish for you always be happy
    ♥ love you hugss

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  12. Amanda,
    I don't know you personally, but I do know how sweet and kind you are here in blog land.
    I know it seems like a lot right now, believe me I do. I struggle with depression as well, and when I got cancer it all went to crap. I tried to put on a happy face and cover it all up with my jokes but inside I was dying and blaming myself.
    You are NOT a failure! You are a young lady with a lot of goals and ambitions-you just need to slow down and conquer one of those goals a day at a time.
    I know that you were extremely close with your grandpa and that you miss him so very much, just know that he wants the best for you and would probably give anything to see you happy right now.
    We all have our own opinions about things, I personally am scared of rats but when I see your pictures, I am like awww. I would NEVER tell you something rude, or belittling about something you love. People who don't like kids don't go around telling the parent's, 'ew, gross kids!'
    This is your blog your entitled to share what you love, hate, feel, want and so much more!
    I struggled with being open about my life on my blog because I thought that people would stop following but the more I thought about it, the more I didn't care. Somewhere out there, there is someone who may be going through the same thing that you or I am and would love to hear how it turned out for us....
    I hope that you do what is BEST for Amanda and don't worry about pleasing everyone else.

    'God only gives us what we can handle'
    Your in my thoughts and prayers and if you need anything at all, please do NOT hesitate to email me!!!

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  13. Amanda,
    I don't know you personally, but I do know how sweet and kind you are here in blog land.
    I know it seems like a lot right now, believe me I do. I struggle with depression as well, and when I got cancer it all went to crap. I tried to put on a happy face and cover it all up with my jokes but inside I was dying and blaming myself.
    You are NOT a failure! You are a young lady with a lot of goals and ambitions-you just need to slow down and conquer one of those goals a day at a time.
    I know that you were extremely close with your grandpa and that you miss him so very much, just know that he wants the best for you and would probably give anything to see you happy right now.
    We all have our own opinions about things, I personally am scared of rats but when I see your pictures, I am like awww. I would NEVER tell you something rude, or belittling about something you love. People who don't like kids don't go around telling the parent's, 'ew, gross kids!'
    This is your blog your entitled to share what you love, hate, feel, want and so much more!
    I struggled with being open about my life on my blog because I thought that people would stop following but the more I thought about it, the more I didn't care. Somewhere out there, there is someone who may be going through the same thing that you or I am and would love to hear how it turned out for us....
    I hope that you do what is BEST for Amanda and don't worry about pleasing everyone else.

    'God only gives us what we can handle'
    Your in my thoughts and prayers and if you need anything at all, please do NOT hesitate to email me!!!

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  14. Honey, I really think you need to take your pills. It doesn't mean that there is something "wrong" with you. The medication is simply something that your body needs right now. It is no different than me having to take blood pressure medicine for hypertension. Praying for you. :-)

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  15. I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time.
    I have Anxiety Disorder NOS and know how difficult things can get.
    And I finally accepted a couple of years ago that I will always need medication.
    Now I'm just grateful it's there for me.
    Just take good care of yourself.

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  16. Amanda, I understand your reticence. You may want to consider exploring dietary changes that may help. Check out the GAPS diet. http://www.gaps.me/

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  17. You are not alone!!!I know how it can feel trying to reach out to anyone anyone that will understand you and accept you.We are here!
    As for your meds would you tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin?Or a person with pneumonia to stop taking their antibiotics?
    You need to take your meds and see somebody about how your feeling.We would miss you if anything happened to you.Take a break ,take your meds,see somebody and come back and let us know when your ok....Hugzzz

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  18. I think your rats are awesome! I get sad whenever I read that you've lost one.

    Don't let other people bother you like that (Easier said than done, I know) It sounds like you're feeling a bit stagnant blogging. If you need any help with your blog, shoot me an email.

    My grandmother just died in February so I can only imagine how you are feeling. It's a bit surreal and I still have days I want to call her up.

    Take care of yourself, ok? Try some relaxation techniques. Maybe they will help lesson your MPD and OCD.

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  19. AHH you are too young to be feeling this way. It is easy to feel sensitive when someone gets mad at you and all you were trying to do is help(trust me I know). I have learned that you can't make everyone happy no matter how hard you try. Taking a break is good and I highly recommend it. I did and my blog stats went down, but my sleep and happiness went up. :) ENJOY you are only 21. I would so love to be 25 again and stay there for a bit. :) P.s You can get your degree online now. Anything is possible. :)

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  20. Amanda, I've been following your blog for a long time. You are a very kind, gentle person. I enjoy reading about your rats, and my hearts breaks when you lose one. I am so sorry about how you are feeling. Please don't feel like a failure at 21. 21 is still so young. There are a lot of 21 year olds (both in and out of college) who don't know what they want to with their lives. Taking care of an elderly neighbor is a job...one that requires a responsible and kind person...both of which you are. I hope you are feeling better soon. (((HUGS)))

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  21. Keeping busy is good. I wouldn't give up on the blog. I do have to ask though.. if some readers and PR people think rats are disgusting, why do they come to a blog called Rats and More? That makes no sense.

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  22. There is so much I want to say to you. Most important thing is, don't look to other people for validation that you are doing okay. There are many people that take pleasure in hurting others out there. You are okay. You are a successful person. Nobody is successful at everything they do. Take pleasure in your awesome blog and your beloved rats. Not everyone will understand that rats can be an amazing pet. A lot of people have fear of rats. The negative opinions that they make are out of fear, ignorance or rudeness. It's unfortunate that they bother other people with their negativity. Always feel it's okay to post about your life with your rats.
    It took me a long time to realize that I had to take my meds every day, even if I feel great. I had to get a weekly pill organizer to keep track. :o) I am bi-polar and not ashamed to say it. I feel it's my obligation in life to educate others about mental illness, as it has affected my family and many other families for generations. The mentally ill have gotten a bad roll of the genetic dice, and it's not their fault that life is a bit harder to understand. Keep your chin up and take your meds to help you do that. In the meantime, try to remember that you are okay.

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  23. Amanda,
    This world is filled with people who bleive that following the crowd is the way to live. It take unbelievable courage to have unique thoughts and thinking. And it takes even more courage to openly talk about your likings. To me you are the bravest person. You are brave enough to show this world without any second thoughts or regrets that you are unique. Never lose that ever. It is what makes you. As the saying goes, Courage is not about being strong all the time, its getting up and going on with life in spite of being down so many times. Go live your life my Tigress.

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  24. I wish you could feel how much people DO care about you. Your blog was (and is) one of my very favorites since I first started reading blogs because you are SO interesting and SO honest.

    I've never known anyone to be so honest and open about depression and I learn a lot from you. I always wish I lived nearby so we could hang out for a while and maybe I could help somehow.

    I think your rats are awesome! I always love reading about them and am sad when one passes away. If some people don't like them, they should keep their mouths shut and just not visit your blog. And PR people should have manners. Those that don't aren't worth your time.

    You need to do whatever you have to do to feel better. Your blog fans aren't going anywhere. There isn't another single blogger that I've ever heard of that has such interesting (rat) posts and such honest (depression) life stories. We will all be here for you, even if you take some time off, change subjects, keep the same subjects, etc.

    You have a LOT of people who care about you. I'm one of them.

    Mickey

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  25. hi amanda,
    im so sorry you are having difficulties!! i have severe depression as well, and well, i have accepted the fact that i have to be on medications. its hard but it helps me stay sane and for some reason the world wants that. i wanted to say that i enjoy reading what you post, i dont mind the rats at all, i enjoy animals of all kinds! you have a long long life ahead to accomplish all you want, dont try to do it all at once, no need to rush! take your time, do what you can when you can. when you post we will be here, and support you!

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  26. lots of hugs to you! I hope today is a better day!

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  27. I honetly used to be niave and think rats were gross, I didn't know they could be pets. Now I know they can be ADORABLE and each have their own personalities like any other pet. I think rats just get a bad rap because of places like NYC where they live underground in the subways. I understand what you mean about having to take pills every day. My dad carries all his in a cosmetic sized bag and he hates taking all his various pills, but if he trys to ween himself off any ofthem, bad things happen. It sucks that "normal" means taking pills.

    YOU are not a failure! You have a passion for caring for animals that is hard to find. I have a personal post that I need to write, because I need to vent and just get it off my chest but, like you, I am scared of what other people might say. I know i need to do it for ME, and not care about others, but I usually don't post personal stuff on my blog, other than reviews and the ocassional light hearted story.


    Whenever you need to vent, or talk it out in a blog post we are all here for you.

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  28. Well, first of all, it's your blog, so you can post about what *you* want! Second, as someone who suffers from serious depression which has left my blog a big empty for months and months at a time, I understand a little bit of what you are saying -- I often feel like a failure at most things as well, especially blogging! But in the end one can only do the best one can do and you need to keep that in mind no matter how bad it gets, I know it's really hard to do! And third, I like rats! We have had hamsters and gerbils, and we have guinea pigs now. So I have never had rats myself but I like them, they are very intelligent, and I enjoy your posts about them. I enjoy your blog in general -- I subscribe by email so I don't miss your posts even though I'm not one to comment often, that's just me :-) I talk about cats on my blog a lot (when I post :-) and people probably think I'm some crazy cat lady -- but you know what, they make me happy and I don't care what they think. If your rats make you happy (which they do) then that is all that is important!!!! Hugs!!!!

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  29. Amanda...just wanted to reach out and let you know if you need anyone to talk or rant to, feel free to contact me.

    Also, you're 21...you have your whole life ahead of you. Guess what? I've had a heck of a life the past 10 years of my life, I'm 29 now and STILL haven't started college....but I am going to! So you do have plenty of time. You have your entire 20's to work toward attaining your goals and making a life for yourself. Girl, your life as an adult basically just started, don't give up on yourself! We all go through hard time, and if you have depression/OCD/MPD it's of course going to be a more bumpy ride than it might be for someone else, but you can still do anything that you want to do. Your life can change, and you will continue to change and grow as a person over time, like we all do. I don't know you very well, but what I do know, is that you seem like a very caring, kind, intelligent, and beautiful young woman who can do ANYTHING that she sets her mind to. Therapy and support is needed, faith in yourself is needed, and please remember to put yourself first. Let's be honest here....10 years from now, your blog, or any blog for that matter, won't seem significant, it will be the other things in your life that matter, your family, your goals, your dreams and hopes. YOU come first, please put yourself first over the blog or anything else. Do not feel bad for what you don't have, or haven't done yet (I say "yet" because, you're 21 honey, you have the world in your hands, you can still accomplish so much! Your potential is FAR from over) instead think of what you do have, all of the good that you have done, and all of the things that you WILL do in the future. Sending you big hugs!

    xoxo,
    Amber

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  30. You don't know me, but I do get your feed emails, and I seen this title so HAD to come read. I normally don't comment, however, I felt I had to.

    I struggle with my own demons, I have a few blogs, and I know what you mean by hateful readers, and PR snubbing their nose at certain things. It's like this... until they have walked a mile in your shoes they cannot judge...

    If a PR company doesn't want to work with you, because you have pet rats... then your work is too good for them. If readers get disgusted with what you post, they can click the X... REMEMBER this is YOUR blog... Don't ever feel like a failure, I know easier said then done.

    Chin up, I cannot say things will get better, but just be you. (((hugs)))

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  31. I am so sorry to hear this Amanda! Your blog is one of the few blogs that I actually look forward to reading, and believe me, I am signed up to receive e-mails from TONS of them. I am a fellow blogger as well, and I know how hurtful some people can be. You just have to know that even though there are some people out there that should just stick their foot in their mouth, there are people that you do reach through your blog, and who do care about you. I remember when you posted about your grandpa's passing. I was very heartbroken for you. I remember the posts about your beloved rats dying too, and I felt terrible. When people see something a little out of the norm, they for some reason feel the need to make you feel like you are strange. I've never really been one to like rats, myself, but that's because I've never really given them a chance. I think the rats are VERY lucky to have a person as kind hearted as you to take care of them. I do have 2 cats that I love and adore, and who are like babies to me, and I can tell through your posts that your rats are like that to you. Keep up the good work. I'll still be here reading, no matter what you post about. You are a great writer, and have kept my interest since I first signed up for your e-mails, almost a year ago now, I believe, if not more. Sorry, time escapes me these days, but you know that, you're a blogger too! ;) Thinking of you, and hoping that you find whatever it is that you are looking for. You are still very young yet, and have many years ahead of you. Take it one day at a time, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself, not even you!

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  32. aw, Amanda, sometimes life is just hard! But you will get through it. Each time you feel the way you are now, you are learning something and dealing with different situations. I haven't been with you as long as some of the others, but I can notice a change in your posts. It's a good thing. You do post confidently, clearly and level headed. You seem to know when something isn't right and reach out more now then before. You do have a lot of people that have come to care for you and about you. Keep up the good work personally and professionally. The rewards are great!!
    Much love and big hugs

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  33. This blog is for you. It is yours and yours alone and it is and should be what you want it to be. People who have issues with anything you post should move along to another blog they find more suitable instead of criticizing your work. I love your blog and think it is a success. You are not a failure and God and your readers love and support you. Keep your chin up...you can do it.

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  34. Wow, I haven't done any blog hopping in a LONG time, and every time I do I end up on a blog of someone who is younger than I am, and yet, is in some very similar shoes to what I have been in or am in at that moment in my life. God puts us with people that he wants us to hold up or help along the way all the time!!!

    First let me say, this is the VERY first time I've ever seen or heard of your blog. However, I can see why you have over 5,000 followers on Google alone. My dear that is a MAJOR accomplishment!!!!! You HAVE to be doing something right in order to achieve that goal.

    As far as what your feeling right now, as you well know by now, this too shall pass, but this given moment I'm sure your not seeing that silver lining. If I had to guess, your doing whatever it is that you do to "cope" with this annoying, scary, and lonely feelings that you've got going on. I'm NOT a huge fan of pills either. However, when I had horses, I was actually well rounded and better able to keep my depression down. Since I've started to really publicly blog, it's made a HUGE difference for me as well. Writing about how your feeling will help you, and very well may help others to get over their feelings as well because they will NOT feel as alone.


    As far as your rats being a major part of the blog...THE NAME OF YOUR BLOG is about the rats!!! Rats are amazing pets and if you get nasty comments about them, ignore them!! You have PLENTY of followers, and I'm willing to bank if you keep at it, you'll gain LOTS more!!!

    You are not alone!! This will pass!! Hang in there, and I look forward to reading many more blog posts from you!!

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  35. Sweetie, I was so sorry to realize that you're going through a bad time right now. I've had periods like this and I know my husband has, too. You're definitely not alone.

    It worries me a little that you're going off your medication, and here's why. I've seen too many instances of something bad happening with people and it turns out they were off their medication when they did something to themselves or to someone else or else they did something that ended up getting them shot or tased by police. That said, why on Earth would anyone report about someone who went off their meds and never had a problem? So you have to weigh for yourself the pros and cons of being off your meds, talk to your doctor, t5alk with an alternative medicine specialist (maybe an herbal blend or yoga or acupuncture or something else different would help you).

    As for the negativity, please remember that some people on the internet are wonderful. Others are mean, nasty, cowardly troublemakers. They're ugly and their mothers dress them funny, which is why they prefer to use the internet, where they can pretend to be attractive and think they're clever when really they're just rude and obnoxious. Ignore them.

    If the P.R. people don't want your rats involved, move on to the next group. If they want to reach a lot of people who love animals, they'll keep working with you. If some of your readers don't like the rats, then they should go somewhere else. The other 4995 of us love to see your rats.

    ((hugs)) I really hope you feel better.

    Auriette

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  37. Hi Amanda
    I follow your blog via email and try to read the post whenever I can.
    I might not know about depressión, but If I may, I will say to you that you should not care about what other people think. They don't like your rats? Who cares! What's important is that YOU like those rats. And if they make you happy you should not abandon them.
    I don't know you that much, but I think that you are a caring and giving person, so don't let other people's opinion let you down.
    Anyway, hope you are feeling better now.
    *hugs*

    Daniela.
    (sorry, in the previous comments I wrote mi name wrong)

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  38. Hi Amanda ;)

    I follow your blog and your letter brought tears to my eyes. Please don't let people feel you are a failure. Believe in yourself, and don't be down on yourself because you're so very young and life is too precious to squander away worrying about what people think about you. Also when I was your age I suffered from depression myself and there are some days I still feel a bit depressed but I pray about it.


    Please don't let what people say about you via Internet about you hurt your feelings because what I've discovered is that people act all bad and tough and cruel behind a computer but in real life most likely they are insecure, horrible, and unhappy people themselves, so pay them no attention. Just this past Saturday I had a guy comment on a picture of me on Goodreads with nasty things about me, but you know what I say "Fuck Em" what he thinks of me means nothing, it's only what I think of myself. And I like myself, and you should like yourself too Amanda!!!!:)

    I wish you would stay on your medication and When your feeling this way you should go to the doctor and maybe he can adjust your medication. That's the best decision!

    Your rats are not disgusting and I've even commented you before about how cute they are. It's your blog and if people don't like your rats they don't have to visit. I hope you get better soon! Take care!

    I'll be praying for you.:)

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  39. I was diagnosed with depression and OCD years ago. My ex made me feel worthless because I was on pills to alleviate the problem. I learned that he was part of the problem, not the meds. It's not shameful to take meds if the need be. I no longer take them and feel I have my feelings under control but wouldn't think twice about getting on them again if need be.

    People can be hurtful, sometimes intentional and sometimes not. Regardless, remember that God don't make junk. In other words, you're special and do make a difference. I enjoy reading your blog. Regardless of what other people think, it's YOUR blog and your choice to post what you want.

    I'll say a prayer for you that things get better for you.

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  40. I feel your pain
    Keep your head up
    You are SO worth it
    I <3 that rat girl!! xo

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  41. Amanda, I have severe anxiety disorder. I suffered for years before I got it in my head to take meds! I don't know why I was so reluctant at first and suffered needlessly for so long. It took a few adjustments to get on the right balance of meds, but people who know me now but didn't know me "back then" would not even believe that I ever had a panic attack. I live a full and active life and am not afraid of anything. The meds are about making my brain chemicals function properly, not making me a "different person", they allow me to be my best self. Most people that I know would never even guess that I take them. (I'm not ashamed of it, and I will tell anyone that I take them if I think it might help that person). Now I really don't know what I was thinking of being so anit-medication in the past. I thank God for the wonderful medical science we have now. Even if taking the meds takes 10 years off my life (which I don't think they will) I would not regret taking them. Now I have a quality of life. I really hope that you will talk with your doctor and get back on a medication regimine. Anything is better than feeling out of control. Take care!

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  42. Life has its ups and downs and some of the things you are feeling, you are NOT alone. Just keep reaching, keep being yourself and don't give up. Don't let negativity get you down and focus on what you have and your goals. It's okay to take a break, to re-evaluate your life at times and find something that motivates you. It could be reading, a sport or board games. Smile and surround yourself with people who make you happy.

    Also, I like the rats on your blog. They give your blog personality.

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  43. Another person here who follows your blog and cares about you.

    So many kind and true words shared.

    Feel free to send me an email if you want to talk or vent. Unfortunately, I know about loss as my son, Alexander passed away two years ago.

    You are not alone.
    You matter.

    Besos, Sarah
    journeysofthezoo at hotmail dot com

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  44. Amanda ~ Please don't worry or care about what the negative people think or say. They do not matter! What does matter is you! If you need to take a break, whether it be a weekend or a month, do what you need to feel better. As for your blog, you have done awesome...look at where you're at...over 5000! Be proud of it! There are lots of people out here who care about you and look forward to your blog each day! Hope things get better soon for you soon.

    Keep your chin up! *Hugs*

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  45. Honey, I am SO sorry you are going thru this. I am not made at you --- EVER! You are such a pleasure and I have enjoyed working with you the last few months on our Spring Event. You are very creative and smart! If you need someone to talk to I am here for you. Hugs + prayers to you from me!
    Nicole

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  46. Oh my little sweetie, just seen this, sorry to hear this but remember our last conversation about the meds? You are still you on the meds, you know that and it seems things are going well and this is the repitition part, it's good and then off the meds! Your blog is awesome you have 5000 followers woohoo! Your travelling, cute, and a nice person, grab on to this life before you get like me, which I have told you about! I think it's great your so honest and open, most people are not brave enough to do that, but you are, see another great quality!! Sending you a great big huge hug:)Oh and the negative people all jealous because they know they are losers! F Them!!

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