Saturday, July 28, 2012

Rats and More May be Closing

As a lot of you know, I have been on vacation. Well, I just got home, and I'm not sure if this is just a part of my MPD or depression acting up, but I just have felt an overwhelming sense of failure.

I love blogging, and I love all of my readers so much, but right now I am just completely overwhelmed, not only by the amount of things I need to catch up on, but with life in general.

I have about 5,000 emails, posts to write, and things I need to take care of in my own personal life right now. I've tried reaching out to all of you to let you know that I am not home, but I keep getting emails with demands, etc, and right now, I just can't handle that.

I will get everything done that needs to be done, but after it's all done, I am going to seriously consider what is best for me, and decide if I will continue to run my blog.

I get depressed thinking about not writing my posts anymore, but it seems that things have become more demanding than rewarding. I put a lot of time into my posts and such, but lately I've gotten emails from people stating that they won't visit anymore if I don't get more posts up, etc, and it's taking a huge toll on me emotionally.

I just spent 2 weeks with my family that I haven't seen in years, and now after getting home and counting the funds we have left from our trip, we've realized we'd have enough to go visit Aaron's family as well, who I have actually only met once. But the thought of leaving for another week+ is just killing me. I don't think it should be like that.

This past Thursday also marked the 1 year anniversary of my grandpa's passing, and I really needed this time away to keep myself in check emotionally, but it seems like this "vacation" has caused me more stress than relief. Blogging over the past couple years has been an outlet for my depression. In the past I used other forms of relief (which I am not proud of, and won't mention here, because I can't even imagine the ridicule I'd get) with my depression, and it was nice having this other outlet, since I couldn't turn to art anymore. But now I am really starting to question everything regarding this blog.
I'm not a very strong person, and I can't handle all of the hounding that is being put on me.
I've talked in the past about the ridicule I receive from some readers, and I'm extremely sad that the problem is just escalating.

I thought everyone could understand that I needed a small break to be with my family for 2 weeks, but I was wrong, and, I really don't think I can handle this again.

I'm sorry for this rant, I've just been extremely upset, because when I came home I should have been rejoicing to be home with my mom and Aaron, but instead I came home to read 2 terrible, hurtful and depressing comments/ emails.

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